In Memory of…A Relationship

It’s been one week. One week since my now-ex boyfriend and I broke up. And yes, by broke up I mean he instigated the conversation. Okay fine, he broke up with me. He had reached the point where he could no longer turn a blind eye to my obvious lack of passion for the long-distance relationship that had been my life for the last 10 months. I was being a pussy about facing it and finding ways to stay emotionally engaged. He finally called me out on it and put his foot down. He wasn’t going to put up with it anymore. He initially said he was going to give me a few days to just think about it, then broke up with me the next night.

I don’t think this would have happened if he had not moved away for a new job. I don’t blame him for moving away but it certainly shed a light on his priorities and as a result put my own priorities into perspective.I was getting ready to move to his shitty little state to be with him and ended up deciding not to do so. I realized that he moved away from me for a job and I needed to do the same, respect myself and my personal and career goals, and staying here was the right choice to do that.

The slow death of our relationship over the last couple months had made me reflect on all the relationships I have had in my life, from a one-night stand to this longest year and four months relationship. I have dated so many different types of people, had some beautiful relationships, learned many life lessons, had some regrets but each one was special in its own way. I believe everyone you meet comes into your life for a reason and it’s just up to you to at least appreciate that they did – whether they have a negative or positive impact – and even if you don’t understand what their purpose is within your life.

As a result of my reflection I have decided to revisit every single relationship so far (that I can remember) from my short 20-something years on this earth. I want to create a tribute to each of those individuals that have had an impact on my life with the memory of each of them occupying its own “chapter” in my life and in this series. Most chapters will be short, a few will be very long. I am calling this “In Memory of a Relationship” series. I have not thought of many of the men I will talk about in a long time, though a few I tend to remember quite often.This series is my way of honoring the preciousness of a human connection that was had between myself and another, of paying homage to each man and the relationship had with him with the intention of, by the end, laying this last relationship to rest and being at peace with it and him.

To follow soon…
In Memory of A Relationship
#1: John*

-M

*Names will be changed as an extra precautionary measure regardless of the fact that I hide my identity.

 

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Atomic energy = Attraction?

 

So a guy walks into a bar…

This post was instantaneously prompted by a man walking into the coffee bar I’m sitting in. He walks in. I see him and feel a tug from inside. He’s not particularly handsome and obviously I know nothing of his personality and yet I feel this compulsion to know him. Note: He’s already left the shop at this point.

This urge…why is it that we feel this gravitational pull towards some and not towards others? Without having googled whether anyone else has already had this idea, I thought to myself whether it is possible that humans’ atomic energy vibrates at subtly different levels. And if so, is it possible that the reason we feel a pull when we see particular individuals is because we are both vibrating at the same frequency and, as a result of being near each other, generate resonance with our combined frequencies? That resonance creates increasing levels of excitement the closer we get to that person.

This hypothesis makes me think of times when I’ve met a particular individual and instantly feel connected to them and know I will forever think of them. It’s as if the atoms in my body have picked up some of his atoms because they easily jumped between our similarly vibrating bodies, and so he literally becomes part of me. Is that possible? Mind you I barely passed AP Biology in high school…

This could be different than attraction. It’s the chemistry between individuals. Like when you finally get the chance to hook up with someone you think is fuckin hot only to find that you just don’t connect. How is it possible to be so attracted to another person only to find you don’t have that particular level of connection? You’re not vibrating at the same frequency so when your energies touch they compete and grate against one another as opposed to working with each other to generate stronger and stronger energy.

What do you think?

LDR + Assistance = Surrounded yet alone, pulling into and pushing away at the same time

Tonight was a rough night. My boyfriend called. I should’ve been happy to see him right? Well I was. Sort of. However, instead of making conversation, there I sat filing my nails and giving him one word answers. I was miffed you see. He’s gone out to shows for the past two nights and tonight went to a Back to the Future movie marathon. Life is pretty sweet for him right now. On the other hand, I have left for work by 8am and come home around 8:30pm every day. Get ready for bed. Then sleep. It’s fucking depressing. I let myself get depressed about it. Now, put that next to his awesome life and you have a recipe for even more comparative unhappiness with resentment thrown in.

Yes, I’m jealous as hell. So naturally, I’m acting like a baby about it. Most things in my life right now are frustrating: hate my room mate who is also my coworker who is a negative life-force-suck living in the room next to me who I “carpool with” (meaning I drive) every day (did I mention she deemed it okay to sell her car?), my finances are all fucked up because I didn’t realize my company had accidentally blocked tax withholding so I’m basically paying double taxes right now and am barely able to make ends meet (the only way I am is because I survive off my “emergency” credit card linked to my parents account), and my job is geographically isolating from the city so I feel lame and disconnected from the energy of this vibrant tourist destination of a city and don’t reap the benefits of connections and day-to-day cool experiences of being there. Tack on that my boyfriend moved away for a good job that sends him to Europe and Asia, to cool sporting events that they sponsor athletes for, and lets him work from home or roll into work at 9:30am. GREAT contrast. So yes, I’m a bit cynical right now. Cynical and alone. My cynicism shows now in my conversations with him, which causes him to push me away like he did tonight.

//

So there I sat filing away and not talking and saying “My day was just fine. How was your day?” His response, “My day was fucking awesome!” Great. Good for you. I’m happy you’re happy. I go quiet at the reminder of how sucky and lame my life is…so he says “Okay well I’m going to bed.” Oh wait what? Thanks for ignoring the giant neon sign over my head that says I’m feeling like nothing compared to you right now. I tried to talk to him about why I was being a party pooper… “okay well I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you”. “…Oh….okay….I love you too…*trailing off*” Bye.

Feeling alone. So alone. I’m in a relationship. I think. I can’t remember anymore. Last time I saw him in person was two months ago. I have a boyfriend without ACTUALLY having a boyfriend. I have someone I call every day and share the same words with and exchange the usual pleasantries.

I have a boyfriend without having sex.
I have a boyfriend without having someone to come home to every night or even at least on the weekends.
I have a boyfriend without having someone to flirt with over drinks.
I have a boyfriend without getting cuddled, hugs or holding hands.
I have a boyfriend without having someone to dance with at the bars.

I have a boyfriend…barely.

What I have is barely a relationship. I feel so alone. I give the dedication and loyalty as someone should who is in a relationship without getting any of the benefits. What the fuck am I doing?

//

When I realized this one day a few weeks ago, I decided I felt lonely enough to post on Craigslist personals ads under “strictly platonic”…in the London section. I love England and I figured that’s far away enough to avoid any temptation. I posted a picture because lets be real, I know how that shit go. Naturally, I got a shit ton of responses only a few of which I replied to and now only one of whom I speak with…on a daily basis. Is he cute? A little but not so much to make me fantasize. Safe zone. Regardless, he helps to fill the void I’ve been feeling since my boyfriend left and has been, I think, retreating from the negative me. It really really helps. You might think I need to learn how to be alone and I thought that at one point too. However, I’ve realized fuck that! I don’t want to be alone and I can live my life surrounded with friends until the day I die. I’m an only child. I grew up with all the attention on me so yes, that’s what I’m used to and feel is most natural for me. I don’t think that’s so wrong anymore.

So, here I am, chatting with someone from London who talks to me during the day when my boyfriend is working. I’ve since added to this by FB-chatting a friend of a coworker whom I met when she was visiting from our Dallas office. He’s about seven years older which is a nice separation. Between these two, I am able to keep myself occupied and entertained with things other than how much my boyfriend is living the dream.

//

But that doesn’t solve the fact that I’m still so alone. Surrounded by people and friends, yet alone. Wanting to pull my boyfriend closer as I feel him drifting away, yet I’m also the one pushing him away, shooting myself in the foot when I act out because of the pain I feel. Even as I write that I’m starting to tear up. Long distance relationships…LDR. Fucking don’t do it. Just break up the second you know one of you is moving. I don’t know why I am doing this. We should’ve broken up when he moved and I could’ve saved both of us a lot of heartache. He’s an incredible person and sometimes I even think I deserve to be with him. But are we even in a relationship? Can you call what we have a relationship? What am I doing?… What am I doing?

//

5 March 2016 UPDATE:
I met the guy from London. He came to the city and we made a plan to meet up. He was very sweet and it felt so natural to hang out with him. Little to no attraction and that was that.
Mutual friend via my coworker ended up feeling attracted to me. Woops.We still hung out with the understanding that it won’t go anywhere.
And the big one, the boyfriend I referred to in the post is now my ex-boyfriend as of two nights ago. It feel surreal to type that but the issues I outlined above caused me to emotionally disconnect in order to survive the distance and ended up separating us. And by that I mean he finally said “I can’t do this anymore.” Sad M.

 

brushing off the dust *cough cough*

I originally started this post in July 2015 but never finished it because being the perfectionist procrastinator that I am, I got too tired to finish it but wasn’t happy with leaving it as is so here it sat collecting dust. I will start with the original post:

–>HOLY SHIT. TIME WARP. Guess what? It’s 2015. July in 2015. I have successfully procrastinated on this blog for over a year. Huzzah. Time to get back on the horse because boy do I have some crazy stories for y’all!

So if I were a good blogger I would go back and do a good read through of my past posts, but I can’t be arsed to read through all that because I am (surprise!) LAZY.  I did however skim my last post from 10 May 2014, and it was kind of ridiculous/funny/kind of sad to read after the year I’ve had. As of my last post I had said I still wanted to go to China. I wanted to be with the guy I wanted to marry…even though, as I had not noted, we had broken up quite sadly in January 2014 because the distance and time waiting was too difficult to cope with (note: for him). But we were still friends and talking at that point. LO AND BEHOLD, he ends up getting together with a girl with my same racial mix, the only other girl in his program who is near his age. Major this face –>> –____________________–

It’s been fine though. I understand distance is hard when you have an attractive potential partner IRL right in front of you, whilst the other is just a talking face on a phone screen. We continued to be friends after that but it’s definitely, and sadly, faded almost completely over the past year.

So that’s the sad part.

The ridiculous/funny because it’s almost stupid part, is that I am now gearing up to move for a shiny, sparkly, new boyfriend. Yes, face palm! I know you just did that mentally if not literally. I rolled my eyes AT MYSELF when I knew I wanted to move for him. The worst part? It isn’t to a crazy new place like China…it’s…to Utah. From an awesome city on the west coast. (Sorry Utah-ians?, until I learn to love the place, the west is still the best.) So I’ve gone from wanting to move for one guy to wanting to move for another guy, sacrificing my career, proximity to my best friends, and leaving my home town area and all that is familiar and comfortable…so you understand why I must go? The boy may be different, but the reasons are not. My goal was to start my own business by the time I’m 26 (which is in 2 months…so…yeaaaaah) and learn to ski by the time I’m 27. Utah is super small business-friendly, has more VC funding per start-up than anywhere else, even the San Francisco Bay Area, and has snow. Duh. The universe just THREW that opportunity at me. This is how I’m choosing to see this anyway.

—-

–>SCRITCH SCRATCH it’s now OCTOBER 2015 and I’ve changed my mind on this. Utah isn’t completely off the table but I’m now 99% sure I will not be going. World’s most indecisive person award goes to me! Such a wuss.

I don’t want to go now for the reasons why I stated I “must” go! I can’t tell if this makes me a brave or uncourageous person. Courage could be either staying for myself and my career development and not leaving for a guy, or it could be choosing a totally different life to get myself out of my comfort zone. Can’t tell if either of those are the more dumb decision… No where to go but forward with SOMETHING though!

More on the quarter life crisis later. I need to publish this damn post already.

What will you do with your jelly beans?

I just watched a video that was posted almost a year ago (I sense more than a few people will be thinking “oh my god she’s SO behind” lol) about a guy who uses jelly beans to represent days of our lives and emphasize how few jelly beans/days we have left to really enjoy after the combined time of eating, sleeping, showering, shitting, GTL-ing, etc takes up much of the time in our lives.

I know we’ve all been told to “carpe the shit out of that diem” and “make the most of the time we have” and “life is short”, but nothing has quite put it into perspective (in recent memory anyway) the way this video did. Before continuing reading, if you haven’t seen the video already, I posted it before this, mainly because I don’t know how to embed a video…until literally looking at the add media link above. I’m an idiot. Here you go:


Ah…now wasn’t that a nice reminder of how precious our time and lives are?
I have very recently come to quite enjoy my life. Work isn’t annihilating my life or my brain at the moment and I’ve been going out and having good times, all of which equals…that I’m not going to China anymore. That decision was shocking to me after everything I had said before. If you don’t know what I’m talking about read this: China n shit

Not to say that I will never do that, just not right now.

The bad part is that that video made me wish that I WAS still going to China…The main reason for that being that the guy I see myself marrying is there. Cue comments of me being an idiot for wanting to throw away my life for a guy blah blah blah. I know. BUT the thing is that if I only had a year left to live I would drop everything to be with him.

I’ve always tried to live my life with no regrets because I realize I already have so many. So, any chance I have an opportunity to do something I make an effort to always say yes and do whatever activity that may be.

Everyone says to make every day count but we all get caught up being tired at school or work or stressed over paying the bills, which are unavoidable realities of life, yes. However, by starting every morning by telling yourself to have no regrets that day, that week, that month, it can enable us to remind ourselves throughout those times to keep the bigger picture in mind.

Next time you’re stressed at work over something that seems major at the time, just think, in 20 years will I give two shits about this moment? Chances are that answer is going to be “hell no”…unless it’s something you lose your job over in which case good luck. But your answer to if you’ll care about that moment in 20 years will probably still come up to at least a “not really”.

Another part of having no regrets and enjoying every jelly bean aka every day of life is to throw your insecurities and hold backs out the window. It seems at every later stage in life we look back on the previous one and think “what was I so worried about?” As teenagers we were so self-conscious of who we were perceived to be by our peers. Now, we look back and realize all our peers were thinking the exact same thing and we should’ve just not given a fuck. That was my experience anyway.

Combining these approaches you might understand why I want to go to China for a boy. This boy is also the one who told me that no one on this Earth knows what they’re doing, and if they do they’re only pretending. It’s all just one big laugh which is why he never take anything seriously and doesn’t care what people think of him. No matter what he does with his life it will always turn out alright. There’s no point in worrying about everything because it’s not going to matter in the end.

It’s this idea that everything will always turn out alright in the end that makes me want to do the China deal. Even if he and I didn’t work out or I end up hating it at least I’ll have tried and gotten a crazy story to tell.

Point is go after what you want even if it scares you. Shit, maybe ESPECIALLY if it scares you. Go up to someone you’re attracted to the second you see them and introduce yourself. Go after what you want. Don’t hesitate. Stretch your comfort zone. Ask, and you shall receive. Don’t ask and you’ll never receive or at least have to wait a while. Make one good memory every day. Smile. Laugh. Be silly. Let go of the little things. See the beauty in others and yourself. Love and let yourself be loved. Know that you’re good enough and deserving. Carpe the shit out of that Diem. Make the most of the time you have. Life is short.

What will you do with your jelly beans?

This is not okay. I am not okay.

Note: This post originally begun on Monday, 3 February. I got lazy part way through okay?

Okay, so I know my last post was all “oh my gawd look at my amazing crazy life plan”, but I am experiencing some hesitations about it, naturally. I want to leave for China but at the same time I am worried about leaving this life I have started so soon in it’s beginning stage. I hate my job, I love my job, I hate where I live, I love where I live. I feel like I need to jump before I get sucked into the quicksand of life but at the same time maybe it’s not so bad if that’s what most people are doing anyway… right?

It’s 11:20pm on a Monday…after a 13 hour work day.

This, my friends, is bullshit.

Luckily, I currently work for the miraculous combination of salary + overtime. I feel sorry for anyone in my profession who has to work “only” for salary aka me in a couple years time if I decided to stay in my profession. I suppose those on salary, regardless of profession, should consider themselves lucky given that even a couple years ago it was twice as hard to get the job they now have. But honestly, why do we subject ourselves to losing our noses to the grindstone?

To prove we deserve to be at the grindstone in the first place because we worked our asses off in college just to get to there…so clearly it would be a waste if we weren’t.
To give our parents and ourselves a reason to brag to friends because let’s be honest we all do that.
To feel that we have secured our role in life and in the world so we don’t flounder about or freeze in our fear of the unknown.
…and whatever other slew of reasons we can come up with to really, i mean really, explain why we stay in job/life positions that we’re terrified of being in for the next 40 years of our life. Or maybe that’s just me?

Because the reality is I am not okay with who I am or where I am or what I am doing.

That is to say, I am not okay with some of the decisions I have made in life. I have had a few pretty big regrets and one fairly big fuck up. I am not okay with the two halves of me warring against each other: One half is the materialistic, superficial white collar professional who just wants to stick with the job she’s got, move into the big city, get some swanky decorations and furniture to fill her apartment with and get all caught up into that storm of commercialism and deification of brand name shit. The other half is the opposite, the person I grew up as and whom I’m struggling to return to wholly. This half sees all the other half as bullshit, someone who has lost touch with what really matters in life or maybe…probably…just turning a blind eye to what really matters because she’s scared, okay more like poop-your-pants-and-vomit-all-at-once terrified, to let go of what feels safe in its predictability. This half just wants to travel the world, meet new people, learn new languages and have amazing experiences for better or worse. Like I said before, when I’m old and waiting to have my diaper changed I want to look back on my life and think “fuck that was awesome”. Another way I like to think of it is, if I were to die tomorrow would I leave this earth feeling fulfilled and happy with what I have seen and done?

Right now that answer for me is no and the little things that most people are happy filling their lives with like hobbies and side projects don’t feel big enough for me…I just am too much of a pussy to begin.

 

What’s your answer and more importantly would you really do anything about it if you say no?